In These Moments
by Eggstasy
Summary: Yuffie cries so loudly, but it's not a bad thing; "that's how she pushes her sorrow out," Cloud said later, and I thought it was strangely insightful for a man who only speaks above a murmur whenever he can get away with it.


To be honest, I think it bothered Cid the most.

It's weird to say that, I know; one would think it would bother me the most, and for a while it did. I cried, I refused to leave my room, even when Cloud would knock on the door and ask me to come out. I couldn't do it. The kids didn't come to the door -I'm sure Cloud asked them not to- and for that I was grateful. I just wasn't ready to leave yet.

But I think one day it occurred to me that I should probably spend the time he had left _with _him, not holed up in my bedroom, beneath the covers, waiting for him to pass away. I'm glad I thought about that -thought about Mom, thought about Dad- before I made the biggest mistake of my life.

He was standing outside when I finally came out. In retrospect I think I should have showered first. I must have looked a hot mess; hair tangled, eyes red and puffy, face blotchy. But he still smiled nervously and told me I looked pretty. Anxiously ran a hand through his graying hair and excused himself, because the kids were downstairs and calling for him.

I let him go and went to the bathroom. When I came down to the bar half an hour later, Denzel and Marlene threw themselves at my waist and I held them and smiled for them, and he turned on the bar stool to look at me in that way that reminds me of a wild animal, like I was preparing to hurt him in some way. I felt very petty and small then. I asked the children to go upstairs for a bit, that I would call for them when dinner was ready. They went quietly.

Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for.

I didn't start dinner for another forty minutes but when I did I had new tearstains on my face and Cloud had a matching set on his shirt.

* * *

The first person we told was Barret. He was predictably explosive. He cursed at Cloud, ranted, banging his fist on the table and told him that it wasn't fair. Cloud didn't say anything, though I think I caught on that he was annoyed. Barret banged his fist again and Cloud shoved it off the table, told him to stop before he broke something. They almost fought then and there, but I stepped between them and pushed Barret until he relented and stood out back to get his bearings again.

He came in and was quiet. I left he and Cloud alone to whisper in the booth and tended to the other patrons, which consisted of two drunk old men at the bar counter who didn't even pay Barret's outburst a bit of mind. One of them called me pretty and I told him compliments were appreciated, but wouldn't lower his tab any. He laughed. I almost cried.

When Barret left I saw him hug Cloud, which is so rare. Barret is a person who loves touch, but Cloud just...isn't. Has never been. A hug from him means something, and it meant something that time because he returned it. I think that's when they said goodbye, right there, though Barret knew he'd still be seeing Cloud afterward. But I think they closed things up there and that's why Barret didn't come back for a few weeks. It was too hard, probably.

* * *

Yuffie was so much harder to tell. She could be annoying and I know she always had so much fun bullying Cloud in every way she could conjure up, but she didn't then. She couldn't. She looked so _small,_ and I wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and put her to bed on the couch once she started bawling. Cloud took it pretty hard too; his eyebrows were pinched, drawn up in the middle, and he kept saying her name and putting his hands on her arms even when she shoved him away. "Yuffie, Yuffie, don't do this," he'd say, and I would ignore it but I'd never leave. I was there for moral support. For his moral support.

It didn't take long but she just fell against him, sobbing, just crying. Crying for so long. We both knew it would be something like this, so we'd opted to tell her in the morning before the bar opened. She cries so loudly, but it's not a bad thing; "that's how she pushes her sorrow out," Cloud said later, and I thought it was strangely insightful for a man who only speaks above a murmur whenever he can get away with it. He understood, I think. Somehow. He and Yuffie always had weird moments, when they'd understand things together that we couldn't, but I never figured out why. Cloud said it was because sometimes he thinks he lost his childhood before even Nibelheim, and I suppose I can see how Yuffie would agree with the war in Wutai during then. I'm not sure, but it's not my business. It's theirs.

Yuffie didn't leave that night though, she wanted to sleep over. Cloud let her cling to him; he would sit on the couch and read and she would sit nearby. She was so quiet it was unnerving, but it was almost like she was saying goodbye too. I couldn't see how she and Barret could do it, say goodbye; I hadn't. I didn't know if I ever would.

If I ever wanted to.

* * *

Cid...

Cid.

Cloud told him in the booth. I couldn't hear what happened, but I saw. Cid just looked at him and his face went blank. He just looked. Then he blew his breath of smoke out to the side, put out his cigarette in the ashtray and stood up. Walked out without a word.

Cloud got up and tried to follow him, but he paused at the door and didn't leave. I didn't ask why, but Cloud told me he was tired and went upstairs, and I didn't see him until the next day. He didn't say anything to me about Cid, but that was fine since I wasn't sure I wanted to know anyway.

* * *

Vincent and Cloud talked for such a long time I'm not even sure they went to sleep. Cloud didn't bring him into the bar to talk, but they went to the roof of all places. Sat up there like two gargoyles on the top of my bar and my home and just talked in tones so low I wasn't even sure how they could hear each other over the nighttime noises of Edge. But they talked and talked, and when Vincent left the following morning he put a hand on Cloud's shoulder before leaving.

Whatever they talked about shook Cloud, and that was the first and last time I saw him cry since he told me. I came up to the roof after sending the kids off to school and saw him with his head between his knees, shoulders shaking. He hadn't moved since Vincent left, but I knew why. I came up behind him and rested my hands on his back, my cheek to his hair. He cried a little harder then, but it stopped soon and he turned to hold my cheek. He got up, climbed down the roof and went inside to shower, and I didn't see him for at least an hour when I know he never takes longer than fifteen minutes in the bathroom.

Vincent, to my great surprise, called me later and asked me how Cloud was. I wanted so badly to ask him what he said, but I just told him that Cloud was showering and Vincent just said, "Good. Good." He wished me well and hung up.

He didn't come by for a long time either, but that's nothing new.

* * *

Red XIII was almost as heartbreaking as Yuffie, but in a different way. He didn't cry, didn't fight, didn't make an outburst, but we never expected him to. That's just how he is. He nodded his head slowly and didn't look Cloud in the eyes for a while, but he stayed with us until the end. He played with the children, lazed about in the bar; we knew he hated it in the city, but he refused to leave.

I asked him a few times, told him it was all right. That we would be fine, that he could go back home. He said to me, "I don't _want _to leave. Please let me stay." He told me that his life was so long, that he would live for so many years that any time he could have with Cloud was to be cherished. Humans die so quickly, he said to me, that he needed to use the time we had to make memories with us. To make them so vibrant that they would never fade.

I cried then, and he let me hold him like a stuffed animal and dry my tears on his fur. He told me that I was strong, and that his memories of me would always be vibrant, just like his memories with Cloud would be. I couldn't think of anything to say to that, so I just cried until I could stop and took a moment to collect myself before I went back to the bar.

* * *

The kids...

It's too hard. It's too hard for me to talk about, even now.

I'm sorry.

* * *

Cloud took all of it in stride. I don't know where this newfound wisdom came from, but I wasn't sure whether I loved it or hated it. The only time I saw him break down was that moment on the roof with Vincent, and I never saw it again.

Not to say that he was endlessly strong; he would get tired, angry. He would push us away only to pull us back within hours. He switched from sleeveless shirts to long-sleeved cotton in the middle of summer, but nobody said anything. He started bandaging his neck, even though nothing bled. He didn't wear a hat, but sometimes when the sun came through the window just right you couldn't tell he wasn't blond anyway.

It was so hard to watch him in the last few days. He refused to lie down; hated it. Said it made him feel like he was just waiting, like a good little boy. He wanted to sit up, so I bought a recliner and he'd fall asleep in it a lot, a book open on his chest. I'd drag a stool next to it and hold his hand while he slept. Everyone came by a lot; they'd sit with him and talk, especially when I needed to pick up the kids or tend to the bar. Or they would pick up the kids and tend to the bar, but -I hate so much to say it- sometimes I just had to get away from him. I couldn't stand it.

Cid came by just before it happened. Just a few days. I hadn't even noticed him come in; I came out from the hallway after putting the kids to bed and saw him sitting on the couch, his head in his hands, sobbing. He was crying. I'd never seen Cid cry, never seen him break down like this; not even when he finally got to space. Not even when Shera got so sick she almost died. Never.

Cloud said something to him but it was quiet; he was so much quieter than usual lately, and I think somewhere deep in my heart I knew he was going. I stayed in the hallway, edging back so they wouldn't see me. At one point in time Cloud would be able to tell, but not now. He couldn't hear so well now, couldn't see so well either. He reached out a shaking hand and Cid took it, held it between his. Touched his forehead to it and cried some more.

"If it makes you feel any better, I kind of felt the same way," Cloud said a little louder, and Cid shook his head. "I just didn't know. Didn't have anyone to compare you to, so."

I knew what they were talking about then.

"Not right," Cid gasped, though he was calming down. "It ain't right. Not _right_."

"I know."

"Not _right, _kid, it's not-!"

"I know."

They didn't say anything else for a while, and Cid finally sat back and lit a cigarette, rubbing his fingers against his stubble to scrub away the moisture. "If me an' Shera ever end up havin' one...y'mind if I name him after you?"

Cloud laughed quietly, and I pressed a hand to my mouth to muffle a choked sound.

"Even if it's a she?"

"Sure, Cid."

I headed back to my room until Cid came up to see me and tell me he was leaving. He let me cry on his shoulder for a bit and patted me awkwardly on the back, but I knew the sentiment was there so I stopped myself and wished him well. He had to get back to Shera. I understood.

I was bitter and jealous, but I understood.

* * *

Two days later Cloud fell asleep and just didn't wake back up. His hair was white and his face was lined, but he was still beautiful and I said as much, over and over, until Barret and Cid gently pulled me back so the funeral home could take him away.

We buried him in front of the church; so many people came with flowers. I think he'd have been shocked to see that many people, but maybe it's good that he didn't. He never dealt well with the attention, and it was always accompanied by awkward gesturing and the uncomfortable air of someone wanting to escape whenever he was recognized. Hopefully he knew that so many people loved him, though. Even if they loved him for what he did, and not who he was.

But then again...lots of us loved him for who he was too, so I think it all works out okay.

Cloud was always the one that talked about seeing Aerith, but I don't think I ever _really _believed him. I believed him in the way that I thought he was remembering her, her strength, or feeling her in the Lifestream, helping. But he never talked much about what she did when he saw her, so I assumed he was just losing himself in his thoughts again.

But I saw her. And I saw Zack. And they were at his gravestone as the last of the people left. And then I saw Cloud, like he'd just walked out of a fog, and he stood next to them.

He saw me staring, and he looked fine. Like he had before he started degrading.

And then the three of them left me, and I never saw them again.


End file.
